The Surgeon General is a Nerd and I Can Prove It

DISCLAIMER: This story is a satirical opinion piece and does not represent the views of The Emblem Journal.

Multiple species have rebounded from endangered levels in recent decades. Great American specimens once standing proud and populous were brought to the brink of extinction before returning to glory. Bison, bald eagles, dive bars, and mid-budget movies are our cultural success stories for the modern age. Now, we need to save another.

Cigarettes are life fuel in a sense we don’t put much stock in as a society anymore. We give up so much in the name of safety—for fear of harm. You’ll hear, “don’t ride in a truck bed, eat cookie dough or play tackle football.” The cigarette was an institution in its day. It brought a small trickle of happiness into countless lives. When you smoke, you make a conscious choice to risk something for a promise of happiness. Indulging in unpredictability and taking chances are the optimist's hobbies of choice. Why buy a lottery ticket if you don’t think you’ll win? To avoid risk in the name of safety for some ephemeral ghost of future comfort is the philosophy of the bland.

Smoking stimulates energy. It wakes the tired and soothes the nervous. It reduces appetite and kills boredom. You think they were sober in the Trojan horse? Hell no—they were buzzed like gamblers at a blackjack table. And so am I. I can’t talk to girls or get into fights with offensive linemen sober. That stuff scares me.

Smoking is a social bonding ritual of the most perfect construction. Here, we had an activity that every single major industry agreed was so important that they set aside regular breaks from the workday so employees could partake in it. In that time, you got to know each other. You grew closer. Smoke breaks blended work with leisure and let people feel like they were living their lives even while they were on the job.

The grinding tedium of existence, for a moment in time, stopped. You could relax and do something simply because it felt good. How many couples met after asking to bum a smoke? How many friendships were formed asking for a light? Whatever the number is, I know it’s less now.

But yes, smoking does give you cancer. I won't lie to you.

In your day-to-day life, you will be exposed to more carcinogens than you could ever count. Microplastics are in your drinks and food. Phones emit radiation. And here you are, happily forking over money to be exposed to them. But the one consumer good that actually offers you honesty and a fair trade for the damage it inflicts on your body, you won’t use? Matter of fact, why do you want to live past your 70s anyway? What are your great plans for when you're 80? How many reruns of “Young Sheldon” can you actually watch?

And don’t think you can get away with vaping instead. Grow up and shred your lungs like an adult.

Life is for living, not surviving. And at the end of the day, I’d rather die at 70 with a gold between my lips and the knowledge that I made the most of life by taking risks than in a hospital bed at 100 with only the dim comfort of how good my cholesterol was at 50 to soothe my pain. No thanks, doc. It’s an easy decision that’s all mine.

And it looks so cool.